un-uncouth

I am apathy manifested. Beginning to even consider taking the next step in life is (in my mind at least) impossible. But I have to try.
Because I am, at times, a weak individual, I have made it harder on myself and others. For this, I am sorry. The world cannot simply wait around for me to think straight. I often forget that.
Please be warned that the beginning just might be the end.

Ok, so since Thursday I've been sick. A true friend drove me home, sparing me the pain of riding home on the school bus, and I slept. I slept into thursday evening, at which point I remember talking to Viktoriya on the phone and her having trouble understanding me. Then I slept. I woke up every other hour or so until just past six am. My mum came in and took my tempurature, and deemed it necessary I stay home from school. I slept until 11:30 or so, then I woke up and watched a marathon of MXC on Spike TV. Amidst the marathon I struggled to breathe, coughed the most painful coughs I have ever coughed in my life, and tried to fight my soar throat and fever off with no medication. I eventually caved and took Triaminic and I felt just on the sick side of phenomanal. Then I took a long bath and got extra clean, and put my sheets in the wash. My mum came home with a ton of cough drops and my fever has subsided. I have work tommorow and I will be able to make it. I'm glad I fought this off as easily as I did. It could have been much worse.

I apologize for not updating since the ancient date of my previous entry. Hopefully no one has given up on me. I've been busy giving up on everyone else.
I feel often times that reaching out to people can be a waste. I'm so selfish.
The first time I ever wished I was dead.
I have become the person I've wanted to be for so long.
The ending of a civilization is forever the birth of a new one. Nothing dies without something else taking it's place. Mass cannot be created or lost, it can only be shifted around. They become the soil, their conquerors the tillers.

We only choose to concentrate on our sufferings when there is nothing better to do. The rich would be sad if they had the time. The most of awful of curses is only so awful when it's the only thing to dance your thoughts around.
So often, its easier to fill your life with distractions instead of facing the immenent truth that you are human. It's the very reason people create drama surrounding parts of their lives that are seperate from those that cause them real trouble.
The decisions we make are unimportant on the scale of global effectiveness, but they matter so much to ourselves, and the people that immediatly surround us. It's easy to be the selfish lot, believing that nothing will affect anything or that nothing is connected. Know well that everything is connected.
You tripped for a reason. Your phone broke for a reason. Your dad died for a reason. Everything has a purpose. Believe.

The world is such a vast place. Right now, someone just died. A whole slew of people from family to friends is experiencing anguish. Someone just had the hardest day of their lives. A baby was born by the time you finish reading this sentence. Someone just experience the miracle of life. A suicide was just commited. Someone just let go. It makes me feel small. I am small. I am weak.
So why do your personal problems carry any weight? They don't. Your thoughts on abortion aren't going to save the world. Your struggle to say sober isn't going to affect the way cultures interact. Your sphere of existence is miniscule.
And that's the sad truth.

The pressure put on us (telling of the youth) is ill-placed. I hear so often that success is a mold never broken. I hear so often that if you don't do it "our way", it's the highway. Become educated, concentrate on your future, have a beautiful wife, beautiful children, a beautiful car, a beautiful home. Eat the same fiber bullshit every morning so that during your day at the office, you have a legitimate excuse to not get your work done. And it's the work that you do that determines who you are.
The first question everyone asks each other in those semi-awkward, luncheon type situations is always the same, "What do you do?" People identify others by their chosen profession, and if that choice is not prime, neither are you. The table scraps of the world. You have failed. What a pack of lies.
This pressure to succeed, to be first rate, can be an enourmous weight to bear.

Advertising these days is intentionally geared to make you think either one of two things. There are certian types of people that want to belong to a collective, and companies will advertise as such to say that their product will make you belong. This is the type of advertising and mass media that most people classify as the downfall of society. But that opinion is only skin deep. The other, darker side of advertising is the kind that appeals to those who don't want to be mainstream. Products advertise as being against the grain and edgy, and by using said product, you will be different. With this strategy, one thinks they are no longer susceptible to the media, when in fact they are continuing to be brainwashed. Its advertising's dirty trick.

I guess what I'm attempting to convey here is an elaboration on the point that trying so hard to please everyone else, or even just living up to yourself, is worthless. Your drive in life should not be the race to the top. Your goal should not be to perfect your image. Just be.

The opposite of lying is telling the truth. The opposite of telling the truth is keeping a secret. Naturally, keeping secrets is lying.

The very first thing they teach you in life is how to communicate. Why do people have the most trouble with telling others how they feel? The lessons of the youth are the hardest fought, never forget.

Everyone is so afraid of becoming a cliche' that they become self-fulfilling prophecies. Don't run from what you've been called to. You, oh horse, were led to water for a reason! Be aware of your surroundings and who took you there.

Little kids cursing is a commentary on the downfall of upright society (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). The common man would agree that the destruction of institution may well indeed be the end of all order in this world, but heed that the common man is exactly what his title implies. He is common, and conforming to what is common (which is creating instution) is to do something that the common man may also think destructive. So doesn't that mean that the common man contradicts himself? He doesnt want institution to be destroyed, for that would mean chaos, therefore he values instution, which one could say is a synonom for society wide conformity. At the same time he would think it a foolish thing to conform to the norm, which would create institution. My warning here is that one should think more about what they value, and realize that taking sides is not only important, but necessary. Looking at all things that don't fit into the 'Christian moral book' (aka the Bible) as completely negative will create holes in your lifestyle that will bring you closer and closer to a destructive end.